Your story is YOURS to tell. You get to choose if you tell it, how you tell it, and why you tell it….
Hey there, friends! As I navigate all the associated thoughts and feelings, this blog has been a challenge for me. As a result of some roadblocks, I took longer to finish this than I anticipated. Though I’ve questioned whether I should move forward, I have realized that suppressing and hiding my evolving beliefs and changes surrounding my faith and the church isn’t authentic. My life has revolved largely around the church so far. My daughter attends preschool, and I serve on the worship and production teams at my home church. I have been involved in MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) for five years. I have enough experiences on both sides of my faith journey to progress toward a deeper understanding of both my strong faith and the negative behaviors I’ve seen in the church.
The church has been a source of some rough experiences for me, which I’ll share later. This is essentially a piece about faith deconstruction. I have had to reconcile my firm belief in God with poor experiences with God’s people. Since many millennials were raised within the Christian faith, we’ve become disillusioned as we see people in the church acting in a way that doesn’t match who we thought they were. It’s common for leaders to expect behaviors of others they don’t expect themselves to display: “Do as I say, not as I do.” They surround themselves with sycophants, and their inner circle often includes close friends and many “yes people.” Leaders dismiss or marginalize people before they try to develop them. Leaders view volunteers as workers who perform a task, not as people who need mentoring and development throughout their service. Manipulative leaders control their followers. Partial truths are most commonly used to pacify desires and goals during encouragement. There has been a clear showing of favoritism; some have been favored and the rest marginalized. This is the complete opposite of God’s character and who He is. Understanding the meaning of the behaviors is the foundation of deconstruction. By deconstructing church behaviors, I will call out the harmful byproducts of church culture within this blog. Although I am not against biblical teaching, I am trying to realign my faith in light of poor church behavior.
My observation over the years has been that people who have been put in leadership positions as a result of their special spiritual gifts behave like they have a special status within the church. The personalities of these individuals tend to be authoritarian, charismatic, and eloquent. Their character tends to push for the church’s ministry and culture to be shaped around their strengths and gifts. Volunteers in areas like production and worship are held to extremely high standards by leaders. Occasionally, leadership will become disappointed or frustrated when these expectations are not met. When anxiety, aggression, and cynicism develop, this rapidly manifests into a negative attitude. To some extent, most people (including myself) would agree that a leader’s vision should be supported. The phrase “we want your feedback – it’s valuable” may be uttered to us, but then leadership dismisses it as pointless. A common problem with leadership is that it lacks accountability, leaving it unaware of failures. Many people talk about how you’ll be such an asset to the ministry and how you’ll be given ample opportunities to serve, but they question your motives and heart once your service becomes evident.
The questioning of your motives by church leadership isn’t limited to personal experiences. As an example, Pete Newman, a camp counselor at Kanakuk Kamps, one of the largest Christian camps in the US, systematically abused boys by the dozens for over a decade. Media criticisms and the heart of the victims were questioned by camp leadership. According to them, if you go to the police or criticize the church of Jesus, your heart must not be for it. Hillsong, New York, witnessed a lack of accountability when their pastor, Carl Lentz, cheated on his wife and was fired when the details were revealed. The lack of accountability was evident once again. In an effort to avoid negative publicity, he ignored the transgressions of those who knew of them. It’s believed that exposing abusers will harm the church. However, this will result in a short-term gain at the expense of long-term damage in the long run.
In light of rampant unbiblical attitudes and misconduct in church leadership, can I trust my beliefs anymore? While I’m sure you’re interested in hearing more, I’d prefer to hear from my cohorts rather than always share my experience and perspective. I interviewed three different people, none of whom knew each other personally. Empathy is built when you allow space for people to share their experiences and perspectives. Often, our lenses limit our understanding of events and conversations. I have included three different experiences and stories below. My first story comes from one of my friends who wishes to remain anonymous.
I went to church every week and went to different denominations throughout the years, but church and Christianity are my religious background. There’s some evangelicalism throughout, but not one specific sect of Christianity has been taught. About eight years ago, I stopped attending church meetings because I needed a break. The church leadership’s voices and their words overwhelmed my voice, and I wanted to listen to myself. The language and teachings were drowning out my voice at church, and I didn’t want to go back and abandon her. There was a specific moment when the deconstruction started to vamp into full gear. I lived in a very strained and stressful season, and I wasn’t attending church—but was overwhelmed with college and work. In addition to that, I experienced some very sudden and tragic deaths. That triggered a lot of anger and confusion at a God I had always taught was in complete control and had made all the decisions. This left me dealing with outrage about the world and within my inner life. Sitting in a coffee shop, I thought through all of this and the all-encompassing idea that God was choosing or allowing the suffering I was seeing and experiencing. A question bloomed, “What if you had more control over your life than you had been told?” This was an open-ended, curious and thoughtful what-if question… I couldn’t answer, but I naturally let it wrap around me. Eventually, beliefs fell away, or I pulled them apart. The church and those leaders didn’t necessarily have the answers anymore; I did. I experienced much hurt by the church over the years, but the suppression and containing women inside the church that killed me internally has stuck out. Being told repeatedly to stay in that area, inside these roles, inside those parameters, had been my personal experience. I knew, without a doubt, that there was more to me and the other women I knew than those measly suppressive scraps. We are more capable, strong, and daring than the patriarchal, heteronormative, oppressive, fear-based religious institutions told us we were. As of right now, I would say I’m agnostic. This is the most authentic term to me. I know and believe in some truths about the world, but I cannot say that I know a God does or doesn’t exist. Instead, I live inside what I have experienced to be accurate and genuine. And I’m curious about learning what I don’t know yet. – Anonymous
Attending church has been a big part of my life from a very young age. Like most who have grown up in the church, I accepted Christ into my heart. Ever since I have always had an intimate connection with Him, as both of my parents served in the church, it was inevitable that I would volunteer my time like them. There was never a time when I felt obligated to attend church, it always felt organic, and I thoroughly enjoyed serving. Being a part of a community with one goal in mind to serve Jesus was incredibly fulfilling and life-giving. For me, it’s so beneficial emotionally and spiritually; that’s why I choose to be a part of the church. Overall, my experiences were very positive, but once I started transitioning from high school into college, some negative experiences caused me to start questioning and deconstructing the church. It seemed like the more I allowed myself to be involved, the more I saw the exclusiveness within the various groups. There was a young women’s group that I was trying to join, but it was tough to fit in and truly feel connected. Fortunately, this one girl was lovely and welcoming to me. She made an effort to engage with me, and for that, I was thankful. However, the struggle continued, and I felt lost within the group. As an outsider, you think the church would be more welcoming and inclusive, but this wasn’t the case. With the small group being a letdown, I thought I’d try to get into the youth choir in hopes that I could find a connection there. But like the small group, it was very exclusive. I came to realize that for the first time I truly started to question the church, and whether or not the importance of attending was beneficial to my overall well-being. Because of this experience, the church was something that I dreaded every week. Like the other churches, I immediately pugged myself in and served alongside my Mom in the student ministry. Unfortunately, because we were both so involved, we saw much of the church’s messiness and politics. There was a lot of mistreatment and disregard for my Mom’s needs and feelings, and it was very challenging for me to lead a group of young girls while also watching this mistreatment and no support from the church leaders. It was heartbreaking to see my Mom go through this, mainly because it was within the confines of the church, and I knew it wasn’t a healthy environment. I finally felt confident enough to cut ties with this church and decided to take a break from attending and searching for a new one. I needed a break to regroup and determine if being involved in a church was healthy for me and if I could find community outside of it. After about a year, I was ready to search for a new home church. Despite the negative experiences mentioned above, I still enjoy church and am proud to call myself a Christian. Going to church can help individuals walk in their faith, but it is the relationship with Jesus that is most important. I’m always grateful for all the many opportunities to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself over the years. I met many beautiful people who have helped me grow more spiritually in my walk with Jesus, and it has helped me open my eyes to the fact that church, like anything else in this world, is not perfect. – Karlyn Whittington
As I sit in my thirties, I never dreamed I would be at a place deconstructing my faith and questioning everything I believed in. I figured I would have it all together and ultimately be that next generation taking up the torch and leading the church—like what was told to me in those many youth conventions I attended. I thought I would have my elders’ support, love, and mentorship. Unfortunately, as I transitioned into my mid-twenties, I found out that my elders refused to mentor me and instead decided to spread lies that I was stupid and not submissive enough to my peers and church leadership. Shockingly, my peers followed suit and were malicious, stabbed me in the back, conjured up lies, and slandered my character. Furthermore, they murdered the only social structure I had ever known with hate in their eyes, and this was something I had never experienced before. Why was I in this place? It was all I had ever known. My parents started attending a United Pentecostal Church when I was three years old, and I participated in this church until I was about twenty-four. At that age, I had met some Independent Fundamental Baptists, thus leaving me to take almost a year of questioning them before I decided that I wanted to prove them wrong about the apostle Paul speaking in tongues. To my dismay, I proved myself wrong and them suitable for the gift of salvation. I was part of this denomination for several years. The spiritual abuse was unbearable during those several years, leaving me to struggle with my mental health for the first time since I was part of this denomination for several years. The spiritual abuse was severe in those years. This left me struggling with my mental health for the first time since experiencing some traumatic events in my childhood. As a result, I hated life and worked to prevent myself from ending it all. I finally took a stand for myself and expressed to my husband that emotionally I could not handle going to this church. It was killing me inside, and I couldn’t take life anymore outside of that. I tried out the Southern Baptist Convention for a short time. However, it came out that the former pastor was arrested for sexually abusing a child. Because of that, I decided to quit attending this church structure. I tried out a group called Recovering Fundamentalists at the time, but I saw some red flags and similarities in the UPCI, the IFB, and the SBC, but I decided to give them a year or two. During that time, they seemed to have changed their beliefs a little concerning some rules about the religious organization, but they didn’t fully let go of the hierarchy display of leadership. Moreover, the authority and devotion did not accurately reflect the Bible or Jesus Christ’s life. As I dived deeper into the Bible and the culture and the times within scripture, I found that the church of America didn’t depict the complete picture of the body of Christ written in the scriptures.
While I believe there are kind, well-meaning people in every church, I’ve encountered more business-minded individuals than I had Christ-like individuals. The concerns seemed to be focused on how good or bad the church looks rather than loving and caring for the hurt and broken. The lack of love for those whom the church has hurt is astounding to me, and they continue to pile on the pain by victimizing these individuals. Moreover, the church slanders and blames us for the hurt and dismisses our experiences. This hurt is one of the reasons why I started questioning the foundation of my faith while being a part of the United Pentecostal Church International, Independent Fundamentalist Baptist, and Southern Baptist Convention. Overall, the American church started my deconstruction because of the repetitive behavior that left me in pain.– Nichole Vaccaro {Instagram} @kup_a_tee
It is believed by church leaders that exposing abusers will harm the church. In exchange for long-term damage, this is a short-term gain.
Concerning where I am in the church, I’ve been terrified to speak my truths. My inner voice keeps telling me that if I start doubting or questioning leadership, I’m not qualified to participate. Whether it’s on the worship team, the children’s ministry, or the production team. Along with another couple of members, I was asked to step down from worship last October. In spite of disagreeing with the reasoning behind the leadership’s decision, I respected it. In my opinion, speaking my truth now won’t cause any more harm than it already has. It is more important for me to be true to myself than to conform to someone else’s idea of what I should be. There is nothing authentic about that, and it certainly doesn’t reflect the “come as you are” attitude that the church claims to encourage. As of right now, being part of a church brings on a lot of anxiety and unresolved hurt for me. And honestly, there is no right place to land post-deconstruction. I have embarked on this journey toward a spiritual walk, or lack thereof, that can help me lead the life I want. The fact that I attend church has nothing to do with my belief in God and Jesus. Previously, I believed that I had to attend church weekly in order to be eligible for serving. Taking this step demonstrated my dedication. As a believer in a God, I don’t need to join a religious institution to believe in Him, and I am no closer to Him than those who do. Leadership has made me realize that if they question my attendance as a means to allow me to serve, this is not a healthy or life-giving workplace. (Galatians 6:2) God calls us to stay in community with other believers and carry one another burdens. While I am not against religious participation, I am tired of being guilted into it in order to fulfill a religious obligation as well as to deal with all the crap because it is “family,” and we are supposed to forgive.
When I show my children how to stand up for themselves and own their truths, I want to be an excellent role model. To demonstrate their love for God in situations like these, people do not need organized religions or to go somewhere that intimidates them in order to do so. No matter where you land, dear friends, you are not a bad person just because you left the church and walked away from Christianity. Your choice isn’t bad just because you are tired of the abuse and hypocritical behavior. I’ll land the plane with this. We have to decide how much we’re willing to tolerate in the church, and I struggle with so many aspects of it. In spite of the fact that no church is perfect, you can still belong and have meaningful relationships within it, but you may not fully agree with the un-Christlike behavior and hypocrisy you see behind closed doors.
The emotions I’m experiencing right now are causing me to wrestle. The decision about what to do next is tricky. Checking out may lead me to lose out on potential opportunities. Even so, I have learned over the past year that although I am fully invested in the church, I often leave feeling hurt and disappointed. It is possible to go with a different mindset when you realize that no human is perfect, allowing grace to flow. There is no escaping the fact that we are human and fallible. Even through all my shitty experiences, I have one core belief that has never changed: I believe in God and his goodness. His faithfulness and steadfastness continue to show up in my life time and time again. Leading worship allows me to continue worshipping Him even in the midst of uncertainty and pain. When my situation fluctuates, choosing to remain faithful and believing in God’s goodness is the most powerful testimony I can offer. There is no way I can truly cut ties with the church because I am not deconstructing my relationship with God; I am deconstructing the church and its hypocrisy. While I’ll always have a heart of worship for Him, I’ve concluded that maybe being a church worship leader is something I should be okay with letting go of. Worship can be led in a variety of ways. Having released bitterness and resentment has given me the freedom to explore other healthy sources of expression that don’t degrade me, but that give me life.
In closing this post, I hope to make it clear that we’re all in this together and that we need to be empathic and loving when we engage questions from seekers and doubters. In this situation, the acknowledgment of “I don’t know” could quickly become a search for solutions together. You should remember that challenging faith doesn’t always stem from antagonism when you know someone going through the process of doing so. The phenomenon generally manifests as curiosity, skepticism, and – more often than not – intense personal pain and complex historical backgrounds. If believers feel uncomfortable expressing concerns or doubts, they should offer a safe space to those who want to do so. If members of the church are sincerely seeking answers in their faith through a deconstruction of their relationship with the church, the church should never interfere with their quest for answers. You can separate your faith in God from your desire to serve within a particular church, and every individual should have the autonomy to deconstruct.
I am proud of my three friends who have come out and spoken confidently and shared their stories! While they all dealt with different struggles and church hurt, each journey of deconstruction continues to evolve. I don’t think any of them can confidently say, “I have arrived, and this is where I am at for the rest of my life.” We all have different stories and experiences, but your account is yours to tell. Each of us is thriving in our way, and we have the power to say “no more” and walk away or stay. Regardless, we are called to love and honor their journey.
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