New name, new me. #FreshStart

The Chicago-based therapist Rachel Kazes says that a name change can be a powerful tool for survivors. It is important to regain control after a traumatic experience. If the perpetrator used the person’s name, they might want to use a nickname or middle name instead.
My evolution as a person and my gradual separation from my family of origin over the years have allowed me to see and name the abuse that I experienced. Despite my efforts, I continued to associate my name with my abusers and the trauma despite cutting contact. Whenever I heard the new name given by my adoptive parents, I checked to see who was saying it to ensure my safety. As a result of hearing the given name at the time of adoption during an altercation, my defense mechanisms were triggered and my pain was intensified. I was finally able to identify the cause of my anxiety after much therapy and medication. My new adoptive name was the spark that ignited everything. The fact that I am aware of this made me think about changing my name legally. My identity no longer belonged to the adoptive name, or this broken and hurt person. As a result, I wanted a name that reflected that strength and resilience.

Despite my trauma, I realized that changing my name or making another dramatic and immediate change wouldn’t fix things. However, a name change can be an integral part of my long-term healing process if I am actively working on it. Among the first things we use to introduce ourselves to people, Kazez says, “Our name is about control, choice, and reclaiming oneself.” Additionally, Kazez believes that the drastic change involved in a name change — suddenly adopting a new name — might be particularly cathartic for some survivors due to the suddenness of experiencing trauma.

It has been difficult for me to cope with childhood sexual abuse and various abusive relationships as an adult, so there were times when I wondered if having a second name would help me. Rather than facing reality head-on, was I choosing a different kind of disassociation? It’s possible. My choice of a nickname didn’t entirely help me cut ties with my childhood trauma. My Cambodian name, Vesna, gives me enough distance from the past to heal without becoming untethered. Choosing my creative self over labels and stagnation, I’m reclaiming my space. 

I am asking friends and family to respect my decisions and to call me by my Cambodian name, Vesna.