Marble Jar Friends

As someone who values loyalty, the abrupt end of friendships has always deeply affected me. Like many, I’ve experienced the ebb and flow of friendships. The process of drifting apart from friends, though natural, is always challenging. Initially, I believed that childhood friendships were meant to last a lifetime. So, when these connections dissolved for various reasons, I was taken aback. However, these experiences, though painful, have also been transformative. They have taught me valuable lessons about the importance of self-respect and the need to let go when necessary, ultimately leading to my personal growth and resilience.

One friend, whom I’ve known for nearly a decade, introduced me to the work of Brené Brown. For those unfamiliar, Brown is a researcher and storyteller who has dedicated the past two decades to studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Though she resides in Houston, Texas, not far from Austin, I haven’t had the chance to meet her yet. Nevertheless, she remains on my bucket list of people to meet one day. Through one of her podcasts, “The Power of Vulnerability,” I realized I had never truly valued my privacy.
Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability isn’t simply sharing personal struggles on social media; it runs much more profound. I yearned for connections, relationships, and friendships, believing that vulnerability was the key to meaningful connections. However, as I began to take myself more seriously, I became discerning about who I allowed into the intimate aspects of my life. This realization led me to set healthy boundaries in my relationships, which I found crucial for my emotional well-being.

As we grow and our priorities shift, friction may arise as others struggle to understand the changes within us. These shifts can lead to disagreements and tensions in previously harmonious relationships. Thanks to technology, staying in touch with childhood friends is more manageable. Fortunately, I’ve managed to maintain a few friendships from my youth. However, some recent events have led to the end of certain relationships, and these experiences, though painful, have taught me valuable lessons about the nature of friendship and personal growth.

Can I backtrack for context? I come from a large family of nine children, and I, the second youngest, was born only twenty-one days apart from the youngest biological child. Consequently, we shared the same circle of friends due to our ages. Naturally, competition for the attention of these friends ensued, often resulting in their preference for my sister. Moreover, my adoptive parents’ tendency to overshare my shortcomings further fueled this dynamic. Upon relocating out of state, I recognized that discontinuing these friendships was the healthiest choice, as I could no longer compete. But I didn’t give up hope. Years later, one of these childhood friends moved to Texas, providing an opportunity to rekindle our relationship. Despite the challenges of maintaining a friendship with ties to my sister, I remained hopeful that distance would allow our bond to flourish. However, the complexities of our childhood history and my sister’s influence posed significant challenges. My friend’s unwavering trust in my sister and skepticism towards my experiences strained our relationship. Despite my efforts to assert my truths, I was continually questioned and invalidated.

After numerous attempts to salvage the friendship, I realized it was no longer healthy for me. Trust, I’ve come to understand, is like a marble jar; it’s built over time through small acts of support, kindness, and respect. Unfortunately, this friendship had depleted my jar, with breaches of trust and disrespect outweighing any positive contributions. One instance that stands out is when I shared a personal struggle, seeking support, only to be met with skepticism and dismissal. It was a moment that starkly illustrated the imbalance in our friendship and its toll on my well-being. As the friendship deteriorated, I reflected on the ‘marble jar friends’ concept—those who consistently support, encourage, and honor us. While my husband’s jar overflowed with marbles from such friends, I couldn’t ignore the empty and cracked jars in my own life. Conversely, with new friendships, you must be mindful that you’re not forcing a friendship. As I’ve learned, forcing yourself to be at a table where you don’t belong can lead to feelings of disappointment and isolation.

One instance of this was when I joined a new community group, eager to make connections. Despite my efforts to fit in and engage, I felt undervalued. It became clear that the forced connection was more draining than fulfilling, highlighting the importance of authenticity and mutual respect in forming meaningful relationships. When you force a friendship, you often compromise your values and needs to fit in. This can lead to feelings of resentment and self-doubt. True friendships should feel natural and reciprocal, where individuals are genuinely interested in each other’s well-being and personal growth. It’s essential to listen to your instincts and recognize when a friendship is not contributing positively to your life. Remember, your self-respect and authenticity should always be prioritized in relationships. You empower yourself by setting healthy boundaries and valuing yourself to maintain fulfilling and respectful connections.

Additionally, forcing friendships can prevent you from meeting people who resonate with you. By focusing on strained or one-sided relationships, you may miss opportunities to connect with individuals who share your interests and values. It’s essential to remain open to new connections and allow relationships to develop organically. In my experience, the most rewarding friendships evolve naturally, built on mutual respect, trust, and shared values. These relationships enrich our lives and support our growth, offering a sense of belonging and acceptance. By prioritizing these genuine connections and courageously letting go of those that no longer serve us, we liberate ourselves and create space for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. This insight should inspire you to seek out and nurture genuine connections, valuing quality over quantity in your relationships.

When I tried to seek out new friendships, it became even more complicated when people within the church, especially those in leadership, showed no desire for friendship with me. It was even more confusing when I would form friendships with someone from a women’s Bible study or the worship team, only to find that I no longer existed in their world. I had to separate that from their leadership and character roles. Leaders, especially in a church setting, are often perceived as role models and are expected to embody the values and teachings they promote. When their actions contradict these expectations, it can be profoundly disillusioning. If their behavior includes being exclusive, intentionally causing division, not allowing space for reconciliation, and avoiding you, it points to a deeper character flaw. This discrepancy between their public persona and private behavior can be particularly jarring because it highlights a lack of integrity and authenticity. So, do you want that person as a friend? This realization was crucial in helping me understand that not all individuals, regardless of their position or title, are suited to be part of my inner circle.

Recognizing this distinction has guided me in setting healthier boundaries. Merely holding a leadership position does not automatically make someone a suitable or healthy friend. It’s crucial to evaluate individuals based on their actions and character, not their titles or perceived authority. This understanding allows for a more nuanced approach to relationships, ensuring that those I admit into my inner circle align with my values and contribute positively to my well-being, fostering a sense of discernment and thoughtfulness.

Understanding the ebb and flow of friendships has been a valuable lesson in my journey. It has taught me to cherish the moments and lessons each relationship brings while also recognizing when it’s time to move on. Friendships, like seasons, have their cycles, and embracing this natural progression allows us to grow and thrive. The key is to remain faithful to ourselves and seek connections that uplift and inspire us rather than forcing relationships that drain our energy and spirit. Ultimately, these experiences have taught me to prioritize self-respect and authenticity in my relationships. Friendships that drain rather than uplift are not worth the emotional toll. It’s a difficult lesson that has paved the way for more genuine, fulfilling connections in my life. These reflections have also emphasized the importance of self-awareness and personal growth, enlightening me and encouraging introspection. As I navigate the complexities of friendships, I strive to remain open to new connections while honoring my boundaries and well-being. It’s a delicate balance essential for cultivating meaningful and lasting relationships.

In the words of Brené Brown, it’s essential to find our “marble jar friends” – those who consistently show up, adding marbles to our jar through small acts of trust and kindness. These are the friends who prove themselves over time, whose actions align with their words, and who genuinely positively contribute to our lives. By focusing on these meaningful connections, I am empowered to build a supportive and authentic community around me, ensuring that my inner circle is filled with people with my best interests.