Can We Talk About Friendship Breakups?

You can use the term “emotional immaturity” to identify behavior and determine whether a friendship is physically and mentally beneficial to you. Some adults do not grow up, which is unfortunate. Often, the world they live in is one of dependency, social anxiety, lack of boundaries, and low self-esteem. There is a common tendency among adult Peter Pans to avoid taking risks. Usually, adult Peter Pans will dismiss the need for opportunities to obtain higher education, career training, or purchase a home; they conclude that anything substantial is impossible. There is a high probability that a person who works will have been assigned the job by a relative or friend. To them, the perfect life consists of never feeling uncomfortable. The enabling factors are people who provide nourishment, shelter, and sometimes indulgence. Using a crutch can allow individuals who lack emotional maturity to survive and not mature, like people who use crutches to walk. It is essential to understand that those who enable others are also emotionally immature, just from a different perspective.

When reflecting on my past friendships, I neglected the most prevalent signs of what I wanted and needed in a friend regarding characteristics and maturity. When I traded quantity for quality, those choices led to much heartbreak and disappointment. Three friendship breakups later, I’ve come to understand that there is an epidemic of children in adult bodies in our society, and emotional maturity does not correlate with age.

Around the same time, I unexpectedly lost three close friends—one childhood friend and two of my best friends. I attempted to make sense of it all but was in complete disbelief, disappointed, and shattered. With lots of time reexamining my friendships, I asked myself what kind of friends I would like to have and what kind of friend I want to be moving forward.

One of my best friends chose to attend the same church as me, giving us more opportunities to see and hang out each week. Another one of my close friends attended this church, which expanded my friendship circle. I started experiencing some significant health issues, and my first symptoms showed up when I was found unconscious on my bathroom floor. These episodes occurred several times daily, leading my husband and I to investigate the cause. Following a series of CT scans, blood tests, and referrals to a psychologist and neurologist, I was diagnosed with a functional neurological disorder. This disorder encompasses a variety of conditions that can affect individuals of all ages. A few factors, such as childhood trauma, life stress, anxiety predisposition, sexual abuse, depression, and dysfunctional family environments, may influence this condition. There is good news in that functional neurological disorders are treatable through medication, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes.

After discovering that these episodes were triggered by stress, I took a step back and sought to identify what may have triggered these episodes. At the time, I was occupied with my friends’ livelihoods, consuming a significant portion of my time. My friendship circle was rife with drama beginning in late fall. They became embroiled in a racial dispute regarding the new Little Mermaid movie, which ended their friendship. I attempted to salvage the friendship by encouraging them to discuss their differences and reconcile. However, this led to a worsening of the situation, as each of them began to claim that the other was racist.

The fact that we all attend the same church left me to act as a mediator. When my two friends decided they were ready to meet with a friend from church to mediate the discussion, I was out of town in Boston. Even if reconciliation was impossible, they hoped to be cordial at church. Both friends called me in a three-way call, excited and relieved to tell me they had sorted out all the issues and decided that ending the friendship would be inappropriate. Then, shortly after that, they both expressed concern that I had exacerbated the situation by interfering and being the middleman. They agreed that they were acting childish by refusing to communicate with one another, thus requiring me to play telephone on their behalf, but that their understanding of what I had conveyed was misconstrued.

As with any friendship, you gain much knowledge about each other after seven years. Together, you spend hours sharing your hopes and dreams and your highs and lows. Your friendship is bolstered by cheers when a friend has ‘found the one,’ and when a breakup occurs, you bring chocolates and pink Moscato and watch shows such as Legally Blonde. As you bond over shows such as Friends, Gilmore Girls, and The Mindy Project, you memorize every line and use them as punchlines. Each of you becomes the Yin to the other’s Yang.

When my two friends rekindled their friendship, I began experiencing difficulties with my best friend of seven years. It was very challenging because a fourth person was inserting themselves into the discussions where they had no business, resulting in an even greater division. Due to my friend’s tendency to be heavily influenced by others, this roommate’s input was relatively easy to give, and my best friend followed mindlessly. At the time, my best friend’s roommate, who was eighteen years old, lacked emotional maturity. Whether we disagreed or had a casual conversation, she was always ready to tell us she was mature and gave sound advice.

Among the singles group at church, my friend was interested in this man, but he had a reputation for jumping from one single woman to another. Aside from that, he had recently ended a complicated relationship. My initial reaction to the relationship was apprehensive, and it took me a little longer to jump aboard the love train. It was evident to my friend that I was not enthusiastic about her newfound relationship, and she desperately desired my approval. The reason she took offense to my pointing out red flags has eluded me to this very day, even though all of our friends, including the singles group, have shared our concerns. Possibly, she realized, due to our shared history, that she was living incongruently, meaning that her beliefs and actions conflicted. Perhaps she was unwilling to acknowledge this.

It had been two weeks since we last spoke, and we were still at odds. The response I received from my best friend in my attempt to reconcile the relationship was anger and hurt. Her response to my texts finally came after she stonewalled me for over a week. “What you do not understand, and what I have tried to explain to you so many times, is that you refused to support my relationship with Rashawn from the beginning.” Even though you claimed to be supportive, what you said about him when you talked about him hurt me. Everyone has been highly supportive of him (my parents love him a lot), but you have been the only one who has not.”

The intention of my remarks was never to criticize her new relationship. Perhaps my expression of excitement was opposite that of our other friend and her roommate. Since I was not jumping up and down, acting giddy, or constantly viewing her text conversations, my best friend perceived that as an indication of my disinterest in her relationship.

It surprised me since we often discussed the prerequisites for a relationship during our friendship. The nature of her desires seemed to be different from what she initially sought in a partner, so I needed clarification. The only thing I was looking for was consistency. In the past, I have been enthusiastic about her dating life and have advocated for her. My advice was given out of love and concern for her, as with all my advice. I recognized that his characteristics were not compatible with my friend’s requirements after learning that this man had a child with another woman, jumped from relationship to relationship, and that my friend had made racist remarks just two weeks before meeting him.

When my friend was ready to talk, she suggested we end our friendship. It was too late to undo the damage on my end, despite my efforts to reassure her that I was happy for her, to guard her heart, and to approach the relationship cautiously. She soon removed me from all social media platforms and blocked my phone number, making it impossible for me to contact her. Unfortunately, the other friends in our circle followed suit and did the same.

When my two closest friends kicked me to the curb, I lost my friendship circle and connections. It was disheartening to discover that the friends in our close friendship circle didn’t show up for me in a way that allowed me to feel seen, heard, and loved at that time, especially amid my unforeseen health challenges.

I spent the first six months of the year in a deep state of depression because of losing my friends. It affected my husband and my children, and I no longer desired to fight for my health. Friendships have always been an essential part of my life. I was unable to establish a solid relationship with my adoptive family because of its dysfunction and toxicity. As adoptees, we cling to friendships as if they were family, and the ending of a friendship shatters our entire world.

In my mind, I played out the scenarios of should have, could have, and would have. My grief led me to blame myself for the end of my friendships. Throughout the conversation with my husband, I expressed my regret that I had not remained silent and expressed support for my friend from the start.

When you have a child, you view situations differently. In a way, my daughter also lost companionship because of her close relationships with my friends. The future held a greater responsibility as a parent, as I knew I had to set a better example for my children, particularly my daughter when selecting friends. I should have paid more attention to the most important indicators of what I needed and desired in a friend, such as their characteristics and maturity level. As a dating individual, I initially thought you needed a checklist of qualities specific to dating. Since then, friendships have also been considered part of this category.

Throughout the process, I forced myself to step back and evaluate my friendships, and I had to be honest. It led me to ask myself why I continued to befriend individuals who lacked emotional maturity. During this time, I gradually realized that age has no bearing on an individual’s maturity level.

High integrity means that your inner and outer lives are congruent. Your behavior matches your values, and others who trust you can count on you to keep your word, meet your commitments, deal with them honestly and fairly, and remain to your purpose.

One of my close friends of twelve years shared this with me, “While researching the word integrity, I was struck by all its definitions, particularly the last one. It has been evident that integrity has been demonstrated in sharing the words of others, whether in person or by screenshotting text conversations. The information you provided was consistent with what your friends would say. Your sharing had not intended to bash, blame, or denigrate your friends. The objective was to understand the situation and decide what to do and how to respond. I never thought you intended to badmouth your friends solely for badmouthing them. Unfortunately, your friend of seven years has demonstrated a lack of integrity by badmouthing others and then blaming them for what has happened. Your behavior reflects your character as you speak about others and share their words. The behavior of both of your friends also demonstrated a pattern of morphing. It does not matter who your friend of seven years is with at the time; whether it is you or her roommate, she consistently disparages someone.

Women believe connecting involves gossiping about another friend within their core group. We make the mistake of believing we have a close bond when we are just catching up on gossip, which is a false connection. Because neither of your friends can develop meaningful relationships with others, she can readily turn on you because she does not seek to connect on a deeper level other than gossiping. The three of you have all demonstrated that you deeply care for one another throughout your friendships, but what told the story of each of your characters was that only one of you stuck by the other through the various hardships each of you experienced. In contrast, the other two abandoned the other. You do not need friendships that lead to more significant harm and stress in your life or who show little respect for your well-being or desire for reconciliation.”

Nine years ago, when I met my ex-best friend (so strange to say), we were both in the same stage of life—our nine years of knowing each other included her earning an associate degree, dating only two guys, and moving out of her parent’s house two years ago. As one of her closest friends, I wanted to see her succeed. I wanted her to be independent, experience love, and be confident in her decisions without consulting everyone around her. My observations of red flags increased once I convinced her to move out and find her place. There were red flags, but even more emerged once she began living independently and dealing with the stress of everyday life. We encountered more and more disagreements, but they were only somewhat solvable. Although I was still cautious around her, I did not want to become another “childhood” friend who was kicked to the curb. Knowing what my friend was capable of, I took extra precautions to avoid offending her.

The experience of interacting with people from different cultures and backgrounds enhances our social and emotional development. We grow in tolerance and understanding of ideals as we gain a deeper understanding of different cultures and viewpoints. In addition, we learn to control our emotions and to express ourselves appropriately in specific situations. Experiencing new cultures, engaging in difficult conversations, and meeting new people are all important.

In the same way as her roommate, who is now almost twenty-one, both girls moved out of their parents’ houses simultaneously. Despite obtaining their associate’s degree and ability to hold a job, their behavior concerning conflict resolution needed to reflect that of an experienced adult. I cannot speak for my friend’s roommate, but for my friend, it wasn’t easy to interact with people from different backgrounds and cultures. There was no place for friendship or even a relationship if someone held a different view or political stance. As we gain a deeper understanding of cultures and viewpoints different from our own, we can grow in tolerance and understanding of ideals. In addition, we learn to control our emotions and to express ourselves appropriately in specific situations. Allowing ourselves to experience new cultures, engage in difficult conversations, and meet new people, as hard as it can be, is critical to our growth as individuals.

I said this initially and will drive it home. I should have paid more attention to the most prevalent signs of what I wanted and needed in a friend regarding characteristics and maturity, and I traded quantity for quality. These choices led to a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. Losing friends is inevitable; fortunately, it is an unavoidable part of life. With the loss of my childhood friend and my two other friendships, I have been incredibly proud of how I’ve managed and navigated my emotions. Like my past friendships, I have kept an eidetic scrapbook of each. I believe God brought each friendship into my life for a specific purpose. I understand that I will move through a grieving process, and that is perfectly fine. If you are in a season of loss, whether it was a mutual breakup or a toxic friendship situation that you felt you could not change, it’s okay to mourn it, too.

As a result of the end of my friendship, I forced myself to confront the hard truth about why I continued to hold on to the friendship so tightly. There is no doubt that we both could have treated each other better. Both of us made mistakes. However, how we respond to conflict reveals the state of our hearts as Christians. Like my other friends, she always has the autonomy to say, “No, I don’t think this friendship is serving me well anymore.” However, how she went about it was disrespectful of our seven-year friendship and did not embody Christ.

Despite losing her integrity along the way, she still led a small group through her church while sleeping with her boyfriend. Honestly, I would not be able to form a friendship with her after a year and a half; even if she returned and apologized, I would not be able to because her morals and behavior do not reflect the type of friend I would wish to have. I do not wish to raise my daughter with someone who may lose their integrity at any time. The importance of finding a friend who would support, love, and do life with me in the face of adversity like cancer cannot be overstated. I am worthy of respect and love, and I never felt that from her.

As I choose friends, I will be more aware of the behaviors that may indicate someone who is emotionally underdeveloped. Similarly, I will consider my friendships my hobbies so that even if my friendships break apart, my world does not collapse. There was a sense in which my best friend’s world and my childhood friend’s world were characterized by dependency, social anxiety, a lack of boundaries, and low self-esteem. I could run around in circles trying to convince, reassure, and encourage my friends to think for themselves and be confident with their choices. Individuals who enable one another are also emotionally undeveloped from a different perspective. Therefore, I understand why my best friend and her roommate got along so well. People like my former best friend will miss the opportunity to see the world, build beautiful friendships, and experience life to the fullest.

Psalm 34:18 is one of my life verses: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I have always been amazed at God’s continuing faithfulness throughout my life. I will undoubtedly encounter setbacks that will cause me to doubt God’s goodness. The good news is that He always doubles up what I lose. Repeatedly, God has demonstrated to me that He restores all that has been taken from me, whether it is finance, family, or relationships. Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, he makes me stronger than before. Although God has taken three of my closest friends from me, He has also brought beautiful friendships into my life over the past year and a half because of their departure.