When I select songs to sing or record as covers, I’m meticulous in choosing ones that resonate deeply with my life story. The old hymn, “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” holds a special place on my Spotify playlist and is often on repeat. It reverberates through every facet of my life, particularly over the last few years as I’ve faced my cancer diagnosis and the unpredictable nature of chronic illness.
Recently, I’ve been grappling with a severe illness, unable to keep food down due to relentless nausea and dizziness. Having to go back in for more blood work and CT scans, I’ve left feeling hopeless and at a loss with my current health situation. I joke about being pregnant, but it’s a grim jest since I no longer have a uterus. During a recent errand run, a wave of nausea and dizziness hit me so hard I had to pull over, sweating and lightheaded. I summoned all my strength to stay upright, knowing that collapsing would likely prompt someone to call EMS—a situation I desperately wanted to avoid. In that moment of defeat and exhaustion, I cried out to God. “I’m done,” I thought, “I can’t do this anymore.” The weight of motherhood felt suffocating, compounded by isolation and the absence of understanding friends. I felt weary from asking for prayers, convinced those around me were feeling ‘Vesna fatigue.’ Sure, it confused me, too. One moment, I’d be out enjoying happy hour with my girlfriend, and the next, I was back in bed on pain medication to manage my discomfort. It’s hard to convey that even while I’m out, my pain level is a seven out of ten, but I mask it well to experience a semblance of normalcy.
Then, the words “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” filled my mind, particularly the verse about God providing strength for today and hope for tomorrow. It was a reminder of His unwavering faithfulness and blessings. Despite the relentless challenges—juggling motherhood, enduring the loss of friendships, and struggling to fit in socially while facing fluctuating health—God continues to sustain me with strength and hope. This belief brings me solace, knowing that this suffering will eventually cease.
Motherhood opened my heart to love and joy I had never known, fostering boundless growth and opportunities. But the unspoken reality of motherhood includes profound isolation and the challenge of finding and maintaining friendships. Before becoming a mother, I sought answers to my chronic pain, visiting primary care doctors, homeopathic specialists, neurologists, and rheumatologists, but finding no clear answers. Finally, a specialist recognized my symptoms—joint stiffness, sensitivity to touch, and tingling limbs—and diagnosed fibromyalgia. I also struggled with fatigue, migraines, and occasional paralysis. Balancing these health issues with motherhood has been a lesson in resilience and determination.
Parenthood offers profound personal growth when aligned with noble aspirations. In Catholic teachings, marriage and parenthood are fundamental for spiritual elevation, providing opportunities for daily acts of love and sacrifice. Every morning, as I tend to my children, who are literally naked, hungry, and need care, I have to fulfill their physical and emotional needs. Though often overwhelming, this is my contribution to practicing my faith. These acts of service, far from mundane, mirror Christ’s compassionate deeds, transforming parenting into opportunities for divine grace. Motherhood shapes both me and the emotional fabric of my family, fostering a legacy of faith and compassion that extends beyond our home.
So, when my chronic illness makes me feel unworthy of my role, I find solace in knowing that I am contributing to this legacy. Each day is a balancing act between caring for my children and managing my physical limitations, with my condition influencing every decision. For those dealing with chronic illness, we each cope differently. Although medication can help, daily life requires constant adaptation. Initially, relying on antidepressants stirred feelings of shame, but I’ve come to accept that my chronic condition requires ongoing management.
Friendships pose a unique challenge, too. As mothers, we hustle to feel worthy of love and belonging. We often form friendships with other moms because of our children, setting aside our needs and desires. So, when we long for meaningful connections, we navigate cliques while teaching our daughters that they don’t need to join an exclusive group if it doesn’t align with their values. Simultaneously, we grapple with those feelings, seeking a sense of belonging. To combat those feelings and find friendships beyond the church, I volunteered when my daughter started kindergarten, helping organize activities and monthly teachers’ luncheons. I hoped to make new friends but soon realized I had overcommitted, affecting my health. Chronic pain disrupts even mundane activities like family dinners or outings, and relationships become tricky to navigate, making social settings challenging.
I’ve realized that motherhood requires letting go of perfectionism. Initially, I aimed for a flawlessly tidy home, but this left me exhausted and constantly comparing myself to others. Eventually, I embraced imperfection, finding peace amid piles of unfolded laundry. While a spotless home remains an ideal, my children’s joy is far more valuable than lingering guilt. Hiring a nanny for a season allowed me to prioritize self-care and emphasized the importance of support and play in childhood. The playroom contains the clutter, providing a space where my kids can have fun while learning responsibility through cleanup.
I’ve come to accept my circumstances, recognizing that I can’t meet every expectation, but my love for my children transcends any limitations. While I can’t always join in every play session or attend every event, I focus on being fully present in the moments that matter most.
Each day, I embrace the joys and challenges of raising my three wonderful children, understanding that pain is a part of life but doesn’t define me. I’m dedicated to navigating motherhood with grace and gratitude. To all the mothers facing similar struggles: remember that your love and resilience are your greatest strengths. Embrace the chaos, lean on your community, and let go of perfection. You’re not just surviving; you’re thriving in your remarkable way. The hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” reminds me that God provides strength for today and hope for tomorrow. His unwavering faithfulness sustains me through every challenge, and I find peace in knowing that He will continue to guide and uphold me, no matter what lies ahead.
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