A friend recently posed a challenging question to me, reflecting on the new maternal figures in my life and my complex relationship with my adoptive family: “With so many new people entering your life over the years and so many women stepping in as mother figures, why do you still grieve the loss of your adoptive family, considering all the grief they’ve put you through, especially your adoptive mother?” This question halted me in my tracks, prompting deep reflection on loss, attachment, and my journey as an adoptee.
Mother’s Day is universally challenging, whether due to estranged relationships, the loss of your mother, or being an adoptee. I’m not seeking sympathy but instead recognizing the complex emotions this day stirs. While some grieve mothers who are perfectly perfect or imperfect, others face unique challenges. I’m sending a virtual hug to anyone struggling to figure out how or what to celebrate on this day.
For me, Mother’s Day evokes conflicting feelings due to my strained relationship (or lack thereof) with my adoptive mother. Although I want to celebrate her, finding joyful memories or meaningful mother-daughter moments is challenging. She was neither an alcoholic nor physically abusive. Still, her narcissistic, manipulative behavior—such as pitting siblings against each other through triangulation tactics—was something I had to tiptoe around and become accustomed to. So, I guess you could categorize her behavior as emotionally abusive. During my adolescent years, she emotionally ‘checked out.’ These experiences made me fiercely independent and led me to seek guidance and role models from my friends’ mothers, all while vowing to be different if I ever became a mother myself. Despite the pain and her continual actions and words that give me whiplash, what I miss is the thought of a relationship with her. Given the deep-rooted desire to connect with your mother, it’s natural to yearn for a relationship with her, even if it’s dysfunctional.
No matter how much turmoil clouds the past, the bond between a child and a mother remains potent and difficult to unravel. However, there comes a point when one must confront toxicity and dysfunction, declaring enough is enough. Unfortunately, that was the decision I had to make, costing me my relationship with her. This choice brought deep emotional turmoil and countless moments of second-guessing. I realized, though, that remaining in a relationship where negativity and pain overshadow genuine love and care was a slow path to self-destruction. Thus, I chose to prioritize my mental health and self-respect over enduring endless cycles of hurt. Walking away meant grieving the bond I wished we could have had and letting go of the hope that things might change. Though it left a void, I have chosen to fill it with peace, clarity, and self-compassion.
Adoptees are often conditioned by society to feel nothing but gratitude for their adoption, making it difficult to speak out about negative aspects without facing criticism and accusations of selfishness. The reason I tried to make my relationships work with my adoptive parents, especially my mother, was accompanied by guilt whenever I set boundaries. It is why I always found myself crawling back, apologizing, and owning up for things (such as writing previous blogs) that, from their perspective, were lies. This one-sided narrative contributed to my fallout with my adoptive family, ultimately leading to their disowning me. Being labeled a ‘miracle’ or ‘product of love’ leaves little room to express any pain or trauma.
It’s a harsh reality, but we must face it: people don’t abandon those they truly love; they abandon those they use. It hits especially hard when it comes to narcissistic mothers. True love brings commitment, understanding, and support. It can weather any storm and survive through tough times. But when someone, particularly a narcissistic mother, walks away, it usually means their connection with you is more about self-interest than genuine affection.
Narcissistic mothers have a way of manipulating and using their children for their validation, control, and self-esteem. Coming to terms with this can be incredibly painful, but it’s crucial for your personal growth and healing. It helps you see the relationship for what it was and move forward, seeking connections based on mutual respect and genuine love. Remember, you deserve relationships with authentic and unwavering love, not conditional or self-serving.
While holidays are difficult, God knew the struggles of having an absentee mother in my life and brought not just one but two amazing women into it. My aunt, who is my adoptive mother’s sister, came into my life years ago and has become like a mother to me. She has supported me through all the changes in my life, encouraged my name change, and backed my decision to have no contact with my adoptive family due to their abusive history. She has accepted my husband as if he were her son-in-law and embraced my children like her own grandchildren.
On the other hand, my husband’s parents have been the complete opposite of absentees in our lives. They regularly pick up our children from school, host them for sleepovers, and take them on special grandparent trips. Their presence and love have provided immense support and joy for our family.
Holidays and birthdays can be particularly challenging for adoptees. As Mother’s Day approaches, I encourage everyone to shift the narrative and create space to recognize the diverse experiences of adoptees. This day can celebrate the impact of adoptee bonds while also acknowledging the trauma that some of us carry. By embracing multiple truths and recognizing the complex emotions associated with this day, we can honor the varied experiences that shape us and promote collective healing.
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