Rediscovering Myself In The Midst of Motherhood

SOME DAYS ALL I’M KNOWN AS IS A MOTHER AND NOT A PERSON WHO HAS AN IDENTITY SEPERATE FROM MOTHERHOOD….

There is something beautiful about being a mother. It is an experience like no other. But with it comes a multitude of changes. Mothers are keenly aware of how important it is to care for our little ones, so we do everything we can to do it well.

Two kids later, I thought I had finally mastered motherhood. Then, I gave birth to my third child, Roman. After that, I could barely keep my head above water, even with our Nanny helping out with the older two. Transitioning to having two toddlers and a newborn was challenging, and I wasn’t quite sure how to navigate it.

Then, with all the new changes and the lack of sleep, I accidentally took a double dose of my medication that helped manage my fibromyalgia one evening. The unforeseen reaction to the medication gave me a relaxing high, so I decided to experience it again. Unfortunately, while this high gave me the ability to escape my reality, it caused me to neglect my children and forced my husband to tend to them while also balancing his work.

As it was, when I had just two little ones, I felt as if I had lost myself and was barely able to hold on to those things that gave me meaning and purpose outside of motherhood. Then I had my third child come into the picture, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had no energy left to try to keep those things that made me happy. I gave up on the firm desire to get back on the worship team, quit reaching out to my friend who records with me and packed away everything that involved music.

As we were coming out of the pandemic, everyone was still uncertain about what was safe, so MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) was off and on, but not enough to where we would have regular meet-ups and playdates. So everything that made me feel as if I belonged and had filled my cup was gone. I threw myself a pity party and felt as if I was entitled to self-soothe by abusing my prescription drugs and self-medicating my problems.

My husband is no stranger to my self-loathing parties, and with lots of love and grace, he expressed his concerns and told me that substance abuse is a hazardous road. Once you’re there, it is very tough to get out without repercussions. However, my husband has never criticized me for spiraling out of control throughout our marriage. He truly understands my struggles and that they are genuine to me, and he knows my darkness well enough to sit in it with me.

Being a mother is demanding, and you never get breaks or paid sick days, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Society says that mothers aren’t allowed to complain, and somehow we’re conditioned to believe that we need to suck it up no matter how much we struggle. We can be excellent mothers, love our children well, and talk about motherhood’s highs and lows.

My husband knows the history of my depression and suicide attempts, and so when I fall back into feeling overwhelmed and depressed, he helps me curtail it quickly. He helps me get into therapy; he gives me space and allows me to take a break from the kids. He’s phenomenal. My goal was never to overdose, but as he pointed out, many people think they know their bodies and believe they can adjust, and they miss the mark and end up overdosing.

I found out quickly that once my high was over, I still felt like crap. Unfortunately, this didn’t help me long-term and only allowed me to escape the chaos for a short time. But, with the help of my husband and a couple of close friends, they kept me accountable and made sure to reach out and offer to babysit or invite me for coffee.

Often, the word ‘self-care’ can be overused, but I realized during this breakdown that my emotional health needs to come first. When we prioritize our well-being, we become better versions of ourselves. Taking care of our needs makes us better mothers and partners and helps us feel better about ourselves. Therefore, self-care should never be considered optional.

Knowing I need space, my husband takes over and lets me escape for a couple of hours to get coffee with a friend, get a manicure, or schedule a happy hour with my girlfriends. If you’re like me, I take advantage of the YMCA child care, drop all three little ones off, and hang out in the lobby screen shopping on Amazon. It’s like window shopping, but you’re not walking around and fighting the crowds.

With the Nanny, I can escape for longer than a few hours during the day. I’ve utilized that time to go downtown and have lunch with my husband. These are just a few things I’ve gotten into the routine of filling my cup up.

In addition to getting out of the house or meeting with friends to fill my social cup, I also see a therapist every other week. Most of the time, we work on nitty gritty stuff like family trauma, but there are also many sessions where we talk about life.

When you become the life source of another little human who is constantly dependent on you, it’s natural to feel lost and disconnected from yourself. In the past, I had the freedom to do what I wanted, but now I’m devoted to meeting the needs of others instead of my own. While I’ve tried to live up to this unreal expectation of being the “perfect” mother, I’ve realized she doesn’t exist.

Although I tried holding onto the familiar and old, my current reality no longer permits me to do so. While transitioning into motherhood, I’ve reminded myself that motherhood isn’t all I am. Having children is a never-ending journey of navigating all the feelings that come up on those hard days. Despite these mixed emotions and trying to rediscover my identity, I love my children, and my life would not be the same without them.

Therefore, I encourage you, sweet Mama, to give yourself grace and compassion no matter where you are on your journey. There are times when we lose our cool as mothers more than once. It isn’t necessarily wrong when this happens; how you handle it can be harmful. I ask myself: how do I want to speak to my children when I explode and yell at them? I can tell them I am human and will make mistakes during these moments of weakness. I can emphasize to them how significant they are to me and that they are safe with me.