I have two young children, with a third due in May. When representing my children to other mothers, I am very conscious of my words and how I present them. Speaking about my children lovingly and respectfully is crucial for their emotional and spiritual growth. Conversely, how I respond when they act out is extremely important. As parents, we naturally confide in family and friends about our children’s difficulties, seeking support. Understanding that every child will make mistakes at any age is essential. Regardless of their choice, we guide and help them grow.
We learn and evolve constantly. The best we can do when we make mistakes is to change our approach to the best of our ability. Our daily routine includes tweaking and ad-libbing! Parenting aims to create a lifelong positive impact on our children through our responses to situations. Ultimately, it isn’t about what we achieve or fail at but how we grow. It’s who they become that will make a difference.
This blog is being written because I know from personal experience that publicly humiliating a child can have long-lasting emotional consequences. Forming an identity begins in childhood and plays a critical role in development. Our sense of identity is framed by how we view ourselves and our worth, regulate our emotions, and feel secure and confident. Parental psychological abuse can significantly disrupt this identity, leading to developmental trauma.
I was traumatized by my adoptive parents’ uneducated diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder (FASD). After this diagnosis, my family members treated me differently and blamed me whenever they experienced hardships. They blamed my “FASD-caused” behavior for issues like a sibling’s breakup or tension and drama at church, causing me to feel humiliated.
A friend showed me a letter written by my adoptive parents that was sent to their missionary organization, church, and homeschool community. I was accused of doing unreasonable things by close friends, but they never connected it to a developmental disability. Many people have affirmed my adolescent behavior after discovering this letter. A friend’s mother said they wouldn’t share it with their friends if their son got involved with a girl or lied. These issues are best handled within the family and resolved privately.
The letter is attached below, and it reads:
I am emailing you part of a blog that we wrote last week and sent to the people in our church. Hi everyone, I hope everyone of you is doing well. I hope you are seeing the wonderful works of the Lord in your lives. We have had a challenging week and a half. Some of you know that concerns have come up surrounding our youngest daughter, Bethany. We have made the decision to go public with the diagnosis we received on her about 4 years ago. We had suspected for quite a while, and then it became an actual diagnosis. She suffers from FASD, which stands for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. This is because when her birth mother in Cambodia was pregnant with her, the mother lived on the streets and drank alcohol. So, Bethany has permanent brain damage that she was born with, and it will never heal. This is not actually a mental health issue but organic brain damage. We have prayed for her at each stage of her life, and we know that God put her in our home. We love her dearly. The problem is that she is getting herself into bad trouble over and over because people with FASD cannot reason through what they do or understand the relationship between cause and effect. The reason we are going public with this diagnosis is that over the past couple of years, many of our friends have questioned some of the unreasonable things she does. It is to the point where our family needs others to understand that, because of FASD, Bethany is not capable of understanding the results or effects of her decisions, relationships, and actions. We won’t go into detail on this, and if you have never been aware of anything she has done, either you will one day, or you are too far removed from her and our family. She functions about like an 11 or 12 year old, and always will. Counseling or medication doesn’t help because this is physical brain damage, not anything else. So, we are asking, begging, for your understanding. Last year one person said we were “hiding behind her FASD”. The truth is that we aren’t hiding, of course, and not giving excuses, only giving you the reason that she acts and says the things she does. If, over the years, you have noticed some unusual lack of understanding or lack of reasoning in her, then you have seen her brain damage. She is just as though she was in an awful accident and had permanent brain damage, only she was born with it. What we need from you is understanding, and also feel very free to call us if you have a situation you need to ask us about. We have read multiple books on FASD, and we have attended seminars on it. The statistics show that 8% of those affected with FASD will be able to live independently, have jobs as adults and eventually get married. We pray that Bethany is in that 8%, but right now, we can’t see that. She is on the waiting list for lifetime Vocational Rehabilitation which will help her get a job. She is nearly at the top of the list and the wait has been a year. She is a wonderful driver so thankfully she has that ability. Please pray for our family as the other children in our family have had HUGE struggles with Bethany. This we know: God has blessed us with Bethany so that He can help our family members become the people He is trying to make us into. God doesn’t make mistakes, so he brought her to us 16 years ago, to bless us into becoming the people who can serve Him. One goal that family members of an FASD person has is this: To protect her from others, and to protect others from her. Pretty high aspirations! We treasure the prayer of others that we will be wise as parents and that our other children can see God’s mighty hand in our lives.
As a result, my adoptive parents did not want to be held accountable for their children’s actions. They shifted the full responsibility to me instead of taking responsibility themselves. I then understood the lengths they’d go to to keep their reputation. We feel embarrassed and ashamed when our child behaves poorly because it’s our fault. My adoptive parents felt embarrassed over my behavior and felt as though their reputation as parents was on the line. They often broadcast their child’s disability to their community, pointing out behavioral issues and suggesting possible conditions like ADHD or Reactive Attachment Disorder. My adoptive parents diagnosed several family members with ADHD to obtain medication and receive special treatment for academics. I wasn’t keen on having labels placed on me to justify unwanted behaviors. With every child, you’re going to experience unwanted behaviors. Parents must step out in compassion and address the root issues. When my adoptive parents labeled me due to unwanted behaviors, they neglected the core issue. My involvement with guys stemmed from craving attention I lacked at home. When I lied, I sought attention and sympathy.
I started to question my adoptive parents’ rationale for the letter when I noticed my adoptive parents habitually blamed me for ruining relationships, instigating drama, and being accused of stealing. My behavioral issues, such as lying or seeking relationships, were normal adolescent behaviors, not caused by a real or imagined FASD diagnosis. I never imagined they’d go public with it. My adoptive parents always told me that this was personal and that they were my biggest advocates who would help me overcome the obstacles of FASD.
After my adoptive parents revealed the diagnosis, I researched FASD, its origins, and whether my biological mother’s lifestyle contributed to it. I obtained the neuropsychological evaluation and realized the psychologist did not conclude that I had FASD. My adoptive father, a pastor, had a reputation to maintain within the community. Going public with the diagnosis was to help others understand and extend compassion toward the family. My parents needed to write the letter because many friends inquired about my teenage behavior. While parents shouldn’t avoid sharing their challenges, they must be mindful of unintended side effects. Every parent needs a support system, but there’s a time and place for sharing struggles. Rather than seeking individual support, my parents told the community, leaving no space for privacy. Friends reacted poorly; some ostracized me, while others defended me. One church member advised my parents against sharing intimate details. If my parents had been more selective, they might have received more empathetic support.
Walking through this season of motherhood, I realize that words profoundly influence my relationships with my children. Positive or negative words determine how children feel about themselves. How we talk to or about our children can build or sever strong relationships. The moment my adoptive parents went public with the diagnosis, our relationship began to break. Children trust their parents to be their advocates. Sadly, my parents never gave me the tools to handle various situations. Due to labeling, they deemed me unfixable and decided I wasn’t worth their time and energy.
When children have confidence, they carry it into other life phases and transitions. My parents’ response to my behavior, like publicly shaming and blaming me, disrupted my identity development. The letter changed how I processed situations, thought, and behaved. I lacked confidence from adolescence to adulthood and felt unworthy in critical life phases and transitions.
We must be mindful of our words. They profoundly influence our relationships with our children and how they feel about themselves. The words we use become our children’s inner narrative. While we all have moments of regret, owning our words and apologizing creates space for mending relationships. When there is division, we must take responsibility for our mistakes.
Putting pride aside and not taking our children’s behavior personally allows us to lead and love compassionately. Often, a child’s poor behavior is a nonverbal request for assistance. We must interpret this expression without allowing them to act without consequences or boundaries. There’s a time and place for correction and modeling. My adoptive parents felt immense shame over my behavior and justified it with labels. What I needed was compassion and understanding of why I was acting out.
I am careful about how much I share with fellow mothers during challenging seasons with my children. Parents should share their highs and lows but be mindful of words’ impact. In the toddler season, parents understand the frustration and exhaustion. This stage is crucial for identity formation, emotional regulation, and discovering emotions. I need a support system to encourage, pray for, and hold me accountable. It’s normal to ask for advice and evaluate unwanted behavior from your child. However, remember that shaming and belittling your children doesn’t help.
Despite years of therapy, healing from psychological abuse is a lifelong journey. My sense of identity, security, and confidence has been destroyed by this letter for years, and I’m working on reclaiming them. Discussing this publicly means I have done the recovery work and rejected the label my parents imposed. I aim to teach transparency and vulnerability, embracing light and dark in my journey. Each layer holds beauty, light, and love.
Looking back on my blog posts, I hope my experiences inspire others. The courage, strength, and confidence to share publicly are challenging. The confidence I gained from rejecting my parents’ labels allows me to extend grace and compassion to my children consistently.
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