Navigating Adoption: A Journey of Faith, Identity, and Redemption

As we delve into this topic, I want to express my unwavering support for adoption as something significant and guided by divine purpose. From my perspective, adoption closely resonates with the teachings of God, as we see in James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” This passage underscores the importance of showing compassion and empathy, urging us to extend love and aid to those in society who are vulnerable and marginalized. Orphans, in particular, hold a special place in God’s heart; adoption becomes a tangible expression of His love and care for these precious souls.

Yet, even as we recognize the biblical imperative to care for orphans, we must reflect on whether we’re genuinely meeting this call. Sometimes, our focus on the noble concept of adoption might overshadow the individual needs and experiences of the children involved. While adoption undoubtedly offers hope, love, and the promise of a forever family to orphans, we can get caught up in the bureaucratic hurdles and logistical complexities of the process, losing sight of the most essential aspect: the well-being and unique needs of the children. Each child entering the adoption system brings with them a distinct set of experiences, traumas, and emotional needs that require careful attention and sensitivity.

In conclusion, although adoption remains a potent means of offering love and stability to orphaned children, it’s vital to keep their well-being and individual needs at the forefront. This demands a nuanced approach that acknowledges the complexities of adoption while prioritizing the children’s best interests. By doing so, we can fulfill the biblical mandate to care for orphans and ensure they receive the support and compassion they deserve.

Sharing a Personal Perspective: Finding a balance between professional duties and personal dreams, my adoptive mother was a shining example of blending work and life seamlessly. With unwavering commitment, she managed her career while nurturing our family. Alongside homeschooling us, she took on a remote director role at an adoption agency, driven by what she believed was a divine calling – providing loving homes for orphaned kids. She poured her heart into her work for years, guided by faith and a deep compassion for society’s most vulnerable.

Changes in international adoption practices, marked by closures in many countries, led her to reassess and refocus on domestic adoptions. In her new role, she specialized in helping struggling parents find suitable homes for kids facing behavioral challenges, tackling ethical dilemmas with empathy and resolve.

Despite ongoing ethical debates, my adoptive parents remained firm in their belief that they were making a positive impact on the lives of vulnerable children and families, seeing their work as an extension of their missionary efforts. Reflecting on their journey and shifting perspectives on adoption, I’ve recognized the emerging complexities.

While their initial intentions were noble – driven by a desire to offer loving homes to needy children – I’ve noticed a subtle change in their approach as our family expanded through adoption. Instead of seeing adoption solely as a ministry of compassion and altruism, there’s been a gradual shift towards considering each new adoptee’s ability to meet the family’s evolving needs. This has led to decisions like adopting teenagers who can help with household chores or strategically adopting infants close in age to our biological children – a practice sometimes termed “artificial twinning.”

When my adoptive parents faced challenges and crises with their adopted children, it deepened my mother’s resolve to help other families in similar situations. Drawing from her own experiences, she empathized with these families and offered support, understanding firsthand the struggles they were going through.

The discussion surrounding attachment issues in adoptive families highlights the complexity of the matter, influenced by various factors beyond the adoptee’s control. While disruptions in early relationships pose challenges to attachment development, it’s crucial to recognize the pivotal role of the parent-child relationship in this intricate process.

Simply attributing attachment issues to the adoptee overlooks the significant contribution of adoptive parents and fails to grasp the systemic nature of attachment dynamics within families. The quality of the parent-child relationship is central to fostering healthy attachment, with adoptive parents’ attachment styles and personal histories shaping their interactions with their children.

Addressing any unresolved issues from their past can better equip adoptive parents to provide nurturing care and meet their child’s attachment needs. Blaming the adoptee alone can worsen feelings of guilt and shame, ultimately affecting their emotional well-being.

It’s important to understand that post-adoption challenges stem from various sources beyond the child’s trauma or behavioral history. Relying too heavily on diagnostic tools and medications may overlook the adoptee’s holistic well-being and undermine adoptive parents’ commitment to creating a supportive environment.

A comprehensive evaluation, including ACE scores and assessments of adoptive parents’ mental health histories, attitudes toward adoption, coping mechanisms, and readiness to parent children from diverse backgrounds, offers valuable insights into adoptive family dynamics. Recognizing that attachment is a joint responsibility between parents and children is essential for providing personalized support and nurturing healthy relationships within adoptive families.

I firmly believe that my adoptive parents should have undergone thorough evaluations. These assessments are critical in ensuring that adoptive parents have the necessary tools and mindset to provide a supportive and nurturing environment for their adopted children.

The Second Chance program is very busy, sadly, because there are a number of families who are failing in a struggle to make their adoption work well. Probably less than 2% of adoptions fall into this situation, but even that 2% is a large number when you consider foster care adoptions as well. About 1/3 of our children in the Second Chance program are from previous foster care adoptions. If families enroll their child in the program when the child is under age 10, we are more successful in finding a good placement quickly. Otherwise, it can take quite a few months (but not always.) We also have a very helpful private online support group to which each relinquishing family is added. The parents find this support group to be extremely helpful in the various emotions of guilt, loss, and grief that they experience when they have to relinquish a child to a new family. Every one of these relinquishing parents makes this decision out of huge sorrow and love. However, if the family (parents and siblings) are in pain and crisis, then the child is also. When these hurt children move to a new, more appropriate home, nearly always they improve rapidly and improve for everyone. Many times, if the child has been on medication for emotional problems, in many instances, these children can be weaned off these medications with their new medical care providers. – Introduction to Second Chance Wasatch International Adoption Agency

The world of adoptive families is intricate, often marked by challenges in building attachment and providing support. Organizations like Second Chance Adoptions, where my adoptive mother is involved, play a vital role in aiding families grappling with behavioral issues in their adopted children. These agencies facilitate second-chance adoptions, offering new homes for children removed from their original families. However, ethical concerns hover over the rehoming process and its potential impact on children’s well-being and trauma.

Rehoming involves significant upheaval for children as they transition to unfamiliar environments, sparking concerns about the continuity of care and its lasting effects on their sense of security and attachment. This adjustment can be emotionally and psychologically taxing, especially for children who have faced trauma or instability in their lives. In the intricate dynamics of adoptive families, the journey of attachment is often fraught with complexities and challenges.

Having experienced this firsthand as an adoptee, I deeply understand the profound impact that early experiences of relinquishment and trauma can have on the attachment process. Being relinquished casts a long shadow over the attachment journey, fostering feelings of insecurity, fear, and uncertainty. Despite the best efforts of adoptive parents, attachment may not unfold as smoothly or quickly as desired. In my own journey, initial struggles with attachment were compounded by my adoptive parents’ response. Instead of offering understanding and support, they inadvertently widened our divide when I showed reluctance to attach. When my behaviors indicated attachment difficulties, they reacted with frustration, disappointment, and even resentment.

This response reinforced my inclination to withdraw and shield myself from potential rejection or abandonment, conveying that my struggle to attach was burdensome and reflected negatively on my worth. However, it’s crucial to recognize that adoptive parents’ responses to attachment struggles aren’t always rooted in malice. Often, they stem from fear, insecurity, and a lack of understanding about adoption and trauma. Nonetheless, adoptive parents must acknowledge the impact of their reactions on their children’s attachment journey. Instead of blaming or withdrawing, they should strive to create a safe, nurturing environment where trust and connection can gradually develop. This requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to learn and evolve alongside their adoptive child.

My adoptive mother’s revelation hit me like a sudden blow, her words echoing painfully in my mind: “If programs like the ones I’m involved in had been around back then, we might have considered using them to find you a better environment for what we thought would lead to a more successful upbringing.” Her statement hung heavy, leaving a profound sense of rejection and betrayal. How could the woman who was meant to be my source of love and security say something so callous? The idea that she could even contemplate getting rid of me like an unwanted possession left me feeling utterly shattered and lost. I wrestled with a whirlwind of conflicting emotions – hurt and disbelief battling fiercely within me, threatening to erode my fragile sense of self-worth. How could she so casually dismiss my worth as a human being? How could she envision a life for me devoid of the love and support every child deserves? And then, it all started to make sense.
Years ago, my late grandmother revealed something that added a new layer to my understanding of adoption. She shared that my adoptive mother had confided in her about a deliberate strategy behind adopting older girls, driven by a need for help with the younger children in the family. This disclosure shifted the narrative of my adoption, revealing a practical aspect that I hadn’t been aware of until then. It became clear that my adoption was only partly about expanding the family out of love and inclusivity. Instead, there was a practical element – a strategic decision to bring older girls into the family structure to support and share responsibilities for the younger siblings. As I absorbed this revelation, a mix of surprise, understanding, and a newfound awareness of the complexities within my adoptive family surfaced.
Understanding the reasoning behind adopting older girls shed light on why one of my older adopted sisters was treated as disposable when she didn’t fit the mold my adoptive parents had in mind. The story surrounding her remains a painful chapter in our family’s history. According to them, she was accused of theft, involvement with drugs, and inappropriate relationships with boys, leading to her being kicked out of the home. However, this narrative might not capture the full complexity of her experiences. It’s important to acknowledge that stories like these often have many layers, and the truth may lie somewhere between the presented narrative and my adoptive sister’s perspective.
Like my older sister, I found myself confined to the narrative of being a troubled child. Looking back, I admit I was difficult; I made mistakes, got involved with the wrong crowd, and even dabbled in petty theft. But those moments don’t define me. They were just parts of my journey toward redemption. However, in the eyes of my adoptive parents, my actions seemed to mark me as irredeemable. It felt like because I was just another adoptee, it was easier for them to discard me than to put in the effort they promised when they chose to adopt – to love and nurture me.

The concept of “replacing” an adopted child raises serious ethical concerns and indicates a lack of commitment and responsibility on the part of adoptive parents. Adoption shouldn’t be approached as a transaction where children are treated as interchangeable goods, subject to exchange or return based on specific criteria. Instead, adoption embodies a lifelong commitment to love, nurture, and unconditionally support a child, regardless of any challenges that may arise.

Replacing an adopted child goes against the core principles of Christian ethics. Like many other religious and ethical systems, Christianity emphasizes compassion, justice, and protecting vulnerable individuals, especially children of God. For individuals like my adoptive parents, who identify as Christian and engage in adoption or child welfare efforts, it’s crucial to align their actions with these principles.

When choosing to adopt, it’s about more than just providing a home; it’s about answering a call to love and care for the most vulnerable members of society. It means recognizing every child’s inherent dignity and worth and committing to journey alongside them with compassion, grace, and unwavering support. Parenting, especially when taking on the responsibility of an adopted child, is a challenging yet fulfilling journey that requires even more grace and compassion.

Despite the imperfections within my adoptive family, I find comfort in knowing that I am deeply loved and valued as a child of God. Even before joining my earthly family, a divine purpose was woven into my existence’s fabric. God foresaw the challenges ahead and orchestrated the adoption process that led me to my permanent home at the age of two. This realization fills me with gratitude and strengthens my faith in His guiding presence throughout my journey.

Recognizing that adoptive parents are not perfect and acknowledging their fallibility allows me to extend grace and forgiveness to them. Embracing this truth helps me empathize with their humanity and imperfections, fostering a spirit of compassion and understanding within our relationship. It’s a reminder that I don’t owe them anything. Despite experiencing rejection after being welcomed into their family through adoption, I find comfort in being a beloved adoptee of God, forever embraced as His child.

While my earthly adoption was a temporary arrangement, a chapter in my life’s story, the adoption by God holds eternal significance. I can’t overlook the transformative impact of my earthly adoption—it freed me, moving me from bondage to a newfound sense of freedom, belonging, and being cherished. Though my adoptive parents couldn’t provide the ultimate source of true freedom or define my identity, I find assurance and affirmation in knowing that my true identity lies as a cherished member of God’s family. I am loved unconditionally and eternally valued in His embrace, finding fulfillment and belonging beyond earthly relationships.

Here are some practical steps to support adoptees with trauma and behavioral tendencies:

1. Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn about the experiences of adoptees with trauma. Understand how early trauma can impact child development, explore attachment theory, and familiarize yourself with trauma-informed care practices. Knowing the root causes of their behavior will help you respond with empathy and compassion.
2. Create a Safe and Nurturing Environment: Provide a loving, accepting, and nurturing environment where the adoptee feels valued. Establish consistent routines, set clear boundaries, and maintain predictable interactions. Encourage open communication, and validate their feelings without judgment.
3. Build Trust Through Relationships: Building trust is essential for adoptees who have experienced broken attachments. Invest time in developing a strong, trusting relationship with the adoptee through consistent presence, active listening, and unconditional love. Show them that you are reliable and committed to their well-being.
4. Seek Professional Support: Consider seeking help from therapists, counselors, or psychologists who specialize in trauma-informed care. These professionals can offer specialized interventions and strategies tailored to the adoptee’s needs, supporting their healing and growth.
5. Practice Self-Care: Caring for adoptees with trauma can be emotionally and physically demanding. Prioritize self-care to prevent burnout and maintain your well-being. Make time for activities that recharge you, seek support from friends and family, and consider therapy or support groups for yourself if needed.
6. Foster a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with a supportive community of friends, family, and professionals who understand the challenges of parenting adoptees with trauma. Having a network that offers encouragement, practical assistance, and understanding will help you and the adoptee feel supported and less isolated.
   

In conclusion, the apparent lack of focus on family preservation by adoption agencies and organizations like Second Chance Adoptions raises significant concerns. While their goal is to offer “Second Chances” to children, they must prioritize supporting and preserving existing families, particularly those encountering significant difficulties. Over-reliance on adoption as the primary solution overlooks the potential benefits of providing support services, resources, and interventions to struggling families.

Seeing social media posts on pages like https://www.facebook.com/WasatchAdoptions, where adoptees’ pictures and personal information are treated almost like items up for adoption at an animal shelter, is truly disheartening. While I may not have all the answers to address the ethical dilemmas within adoption agencies, it’s essential for those who claim to be Christians and operate such agencies, like my adoptive mother, to recognize the importance of upholding the dignity and respect of children. Additionally, following the compassionate example set by Jesus, engaging with these adoptees in their pain, and offering empathy and compassion are essential.