Finding Closure
Finding closure has always been a challenge for me. Understanding each other’s behavior is crucial for human connection, and when we can’t grasp why someone acted a certain way, we often go to great lengths to find out. This need for closure can sometimes become nearly obsessive. Over time, I’ve realized that not every friendship breakup or decision others make is about me.
The Impact of Blame
This realization stems from my family background. Growing up, my family often blamed me for conflicts without evidence. This led me to seek proof of others’ behaviors or actions, pushing me to find closure because it felt like everything was my fault if I didn’t. If a friendship ended, it was because of me. If a family left my father’s church, it was my fault. If my parents’ friends disengaged, it was because of me. Carrying such a heavy burden, especially as a child, was incredibly challenging.
One vivid memory from my early teens involves a family abruptly leaving my father’s church. I overheard my parents discussing it and blaming me for their departure. At thirteen, I couldn’t understand how I could be responsible. This incident, while challenging, also catalyzed my resilience. It reinforced my belief that I needed to prove my innocence in every conflict, a belief that I’ve since learned to navigate with strength and understanding.
This upbringing led to a persistent struggle to prove my innocence and understand others’ behaviors, making my need for closure border on obsession. My family’s tendency to ostracize and scapegoat me taught me the importance of genuine compassion and support. While I can’t control what my adoptive parents say or what others believe, I can change my perspective and how I respond.
Contradictions in Compassion
It’s both frustrating and painful to witness people who claim to care for orphans while simultaneously shunning others and spreading negative perceptions about them. This contradiction is striking. On one hand, expressing a commitment to the welfare of adopted children implies a dedication to creating a supportive and nurturing environment. Yet, when these same individuals engage in behavior like ostracizing someone and spreading harmful gossip, it undermines those principles. In my case, my adoptive parents’ actions created an environment where others viewed me as a dangerous individual, leading many to avoid engaging with me. This intensified my feelings of isolation and highlighted a profound disconnect between the values professed and the reality experienced. This contradiction and hypocrisy profoundly impact one’s sense of belonging and trust, a weight that is difficult to bear.
The Friendship That Left Me Seeking Closure
One friendship I’ve tried to understand for over fifteen years involves a family similar to my adoptive family. Like us, they adopted children from Ethiopia and had several biological children. We shared the same theological beliefs and homeschooled our children. Our friendship blossomed, and I connected with their second oldest son through online communication during my early teenage years, a time of emotional turmoil, including the aftermath of my sexual assault. I remember late-night chats where I felt understood and supported.
After my suicide attempt, the friendship ended abruptly. In hindsight, I understand why a seventeen-year-old might not want to be friends anymore, but his response was unChrist-like. He unfriended and blocked me on social media while remaining friends with my siblings and engaging with them. When I tried to discuss what had happened, he refused to engage in meaningful conversation. His family also unfriended and blocked me without explanation. This series of rejections deeply affected my emotional well-being, highlighting the importance of compassion and support.
The Contradiction in Their Actions
The family’s behavior contradicts their professed values of love, care, and Christian principles. Adoption is driven by a desire to provide love, stability, and belonging to children who lack families. However, unfriending and blocking me undermines these principles.
Firstly, the abrupt end of the friendship after a suicide attempt, without any effort to communicate or provide support, is unkind and unChrist-like. Christianity teaches followers to bear each other’s burdens and show compassion. Ignoring someone in their time of need contradicts these teachings.
Secondly, avoiding meaningful conversations to address misunderstandings or provide reconciliation goes against the principles of forgiveness and reconciliation central to Christianity. By avoiding these conversations, the family failed to practice forgiveness and the understanding that their faith promotes. This behavior affects the person ostracized and sets a negative example for their children about handling conflicts.
Moreover, exclusionary tactics such as blocking and unfriending create a divisive environment. These actions foster fear and mistrust rather than the inclusive and supportive atmosphere needed for healthy development, especially in adoptive families.
Understanding Their Perspective
While the family’s actions hurt deeply, I’ve tried to consider their perspective. My suicide attempt was traumatic, and they might have felt overwhelmed and unsure how to handle the situation. A seventeen-year-old might not have had the emotional maturity to cope with a friend’s crisis, leading him to distance himself. Understanding these potential motivations helps provide a more comprehensive picture of their behavior and underscores the importance of communication and empathy in resolving conflicts.
Additionally, the parents might have been influenced by my adoptive parents’ portrayal of me. If my adoptive parents shared concerns about my behavior, the other family might have acted out of a misguided sense of protection. People sometimes avoid difficult conversations to avoid conflict or because they feel unprepared. Understanding these potential motivations helps provide a more comprehensive picture of their behavior and underscores the importance of communication and empathy in resolving conflicts.
The Importance of True Compassion
In conclusion, the family’s behavior starkly contradicts their professed commitment to loving and caring for orphans and the core principles of their faith. Genuine care involves creating an environment where everyone is treated respectfully and compassionately. Embracing understanding, forgiveness, and support allows adoptive families to embody their values and set a positive example for their community.
My husband frequently reminds me of a painful truth: the people who chose to believe my adoptive parents’ lies did so without ever seeking to hear my side of the story. He highlights how my parents went so far as to forward emails discussing my supposed Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and my siblings’ feelings, painting a distorted picture of me. According to him, this behavior reveals a lot about their true character—one that is driven by judgment and prejudice rather than genuine understanding or compassion. He often asks me, “Do you want people like that in your life?” This question has become a touchstone, challenging me to evaluate my relationships’ integrity and recognize that genuine connection is built on mutual respect and openness. It serves as a reminder of the power of self-evaluation in choosing relationships. While I cannot control others’ perceptions or actions, I can choose who I allow into my life and surround myself with those who support and believe in me for who I truly am.
Reflecting on my adoptive family’s role in this narrative, I see the profound impact they’ve had on my quest for closure. Growing up in an environment where conflicts were attributed to me without evidence has influenced how I navigate friendships and conflicts. However, I’m learning I can’t force people to communicate or be friends at thirty. This realization, while challenging, also brings a sense of hope and growth. What’s comforting is knowing I’m not alone in this, and even one of my adoptive parents’ biological children has distanced themselves due to similar treatment.
Embracing Faith and Moving Forward
Understanding behavior is crucial for connection, and I’ve learned that not every friendship breakup or decision made by others is about me. My husband’s perspective has been invaluable, reminding me that those who believe lies and exclude without seeking truth reveal their true character. In the end, closure may not always be attainable. Still, by embracing compassion, understanding, and support, I can navigate relationships with grace and resilience, trusting that God will work on the hearts of those who claim to be Christians. Actual closure often comes from within as we cultivate forgiveness, self-compassion, and hope. By focusing on the love and justice that our faith calls us to uphold, I find peace knowing that my journey, marked by struggles and growth, is part of a larger tapestry of divine grace and understanding. As I continue to navigate this path, every step forward, guided by faith and compassion, brings me closer to the authentic connections and closure I seek. Faith and compassion are powerful guides on this journey, providing reassurance and support.
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