As someone who profoundly cherishes their faith, prayer has always been a guiding light in my life. It’s been my sanctuary during tumultuous times and my compass through moments of doubt. However, grappling with significant health struggles—battling cancer and now preparing for my third surgery due to complications—has prompted a profound reevaluation of what prayer truly means to me.
When we face upheaval in our faith, marriages, and relationships, shaking the foundation of our family dynamics, it is natural to pray for peace that surpasses all understanding, protection, and blessing. For me, when my health journey took a significant turn in the fall of 2022, our earnest prayers were answered when my cardiologist diagnosed me with Supraventricular Tachycardia, explaining my episodes of fainting and paralysis. Yet, come spring 2023, our world was turned upside down again when I found out I had uterine cancer. It felt like our cries were met with silence, and one misfortune seemed to follow another. The constant reassurance of ‘We’re praying for you’ led to what I felt like ‘prayer fatigue’—the emotional exhaustion of receiving spiritual support without seeing the relief we hoped for. While I smiled and thanked everyone for their prayers, I silently took breaks from prayer while my heart hardened against God’s will. However, the unwavering support and empathy from my friends, family, and church community, who continued to pray for me and offer their help, played a significant role in my journey.
Conversely, I found myself grappling with two profound issues: the belief that my health issues were a reflection of my worth and the constant comparison of my suffering to others ‘. I had internalized the notion that ‘bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people.’ This mindset made me feel fundamentally flawed. Each new diagnosis felt like a judgment, deepening my feelings of guilt and self-doubt. I was trapped in a cycle of comparative suffering, constantly measuring my pain against others’ experiences. I would think, ‘Others have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain,’ which led me to dismiss my struggles. This tendency to compare my suffering to others’ not only invalidated my pain but also prevented me from seeking the support and compassion I needed.
As I tried to reconcile my faith with my circumstances, I underwent a profound shift in perspective. I realized how this misguided belief had distorted my understanding of suffering and divine justice. It took a profound shift in perspective to see that suffering isn’t a measure of one’s morality, nor is it something only the ‘undeserving’ face. Instead, recognizing that our struggles are valid, regardless of others’ experiences, helped me embrace my journey with greater empathy and self-compassion.
When I felt everything was against me, there was a silver lining. My doctor detected the cancer early, and I needed no immediate treatment was needed. However, I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to undergo a partial hysterectomy, which meant that having more children would no longer be possible for my husband and me. At the time, we hadn’t ruled out expanding our family. Even though the decision to proceed with the surgery wasn’t taken lightly, we knew it was the best option compared to undergoing treatment.
Adding to my challenges, I began experiencing unexpected heart palpitations in June of this year. Despite being on heart medications, these symptoms escalated into recent cardiac events. The unpredictability of my health has been a constant reminder of the fragility of our well-being.
Amid these challenges, I struggled to understand why I seemed to face one hardship after another. I believe this confusion stemmed from a misunderstanding of God’s character regarding prayer and suffering—a perspective shaped by my upbringing, my family of origin, and my religious background. It’s important to clarify that this isn’t a reflection on my adoptive family; instead, it highlights a common misconception within the Western church. We often believe that if we do and say the right things, God will bless us, as if His favor depends on our actions. This belief can lead to a sense of unworthiness when we face trials, as if we’re being punished for not being ‘good enough.’ To the best of my ability, I remained steadfast in my faith, even as I struggled and compared my plight to others.
The concept of comparative suffering came back into play, and I found myself thinking, “Well, other women out there have it far worse than me.” Brené Brown talks about how comparative suffering only serves to silence our pain, suggesting that empathy is not a finite resource and that we can recognize our struggles while still compassionate towards others. At least I was fortunate enough to have children before being diagnosed with uterine cancer. This thought provided comfort, reminding me to be grateful for my blessings, even amidst the challenges. While it didn’t erase the pain of my situation, it offered perspective, helping me navigate the emotional turmoil of my diagnosis and the subsequent decisions. Understanding that my pain is valid, regardless of how it compares to others, allowed me to be kinder to myself and more resilient in facing my health challenges.
In particular, I compared myself to others in my family. Even without a direct relationship with them, rumors and superficial observations led me to believe they were all in excellent health. However, the reality was quite different. One of my siblings, who is the same age as me, was also experiencing deteriorating health. They had even launched a GoFundMe page for their medical bills and other miscellaneous expenses—a fact I initially didn’t know. I felt unloved and unseen because I wasn’t receiving help in the capacity that my sibling was financially. But my husband and many close friends helped me see that receiving continual handouts like my adoptive family asks for isn’t something to be proud of. Overcoming these feelings of comparison and self-doubt was a significant part of my journey to resilience in the face of health challenges.
In my frustration and comparison, I overlooked our blessings, such as not having medical bills or outstanding balances for treatments, ambulance services, or surgeries. We were blessed not to have to worry about outstanding balances because we had good health insurance and could pay for the medical expenses, things many people, unfortunately, cannot do in these times due to high healthcare costs. This oversight skewed my perspective and kept me from fully appreciating the provisions amid the trials. Understanding that my pain is valid, regardless of how it compares to others, allowed me to be kinder to myself and more resilient in facing my health challenges.
A dear friend shared a book by Lysa TerKeurst: It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered. Lysa’s candid discussion of betrayal, health issues, and personal losses resonated deeply with my struggles and offered a new perspective. Her journey showed me that even in our darkest moments, God can use our pain for growth and His glory.
Reflecting on Lysa’s insights and my own experiences, I’ve understood that faith isn’t a transaction where God grants our wishes or removes suffering. The period during all my health ailments was a confrontation with this reality. Even with a favorable prognosis with my cancer, I grappled with anger and disappointment when outcomes didn’t align with my hopes. I’ve learned that true faith doesn’t demand specific outcomes but trust in God’s presence and purpose amidst pain and uncertainty. While God’s power is limitless, His plans often diverge from our desires. In these moments of uncertainty, our faith can shine the brightest, guiding us through darkness and granting us the strength to persevere.
The transformative power of faith, for instance, helped my husband and me navigate a period of intense anxiety during a recent significant health scare involving a cardiac event. My faith provided calm and direction in those moments of fear and uncertainty. I found comfort in scripture and the support of my church community, which helped me stay grounded and focused on the positives. For example, I found solace in Philippians 4:6-7: ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.’ This experience showed me how faith can be a beacon of hope and strength during dark times, inspiring me to share my journey with you.
Looking back, I see that by focusing solely on the hardships, I overlooked the support and protection that shielded us from further strain. This realization has been both humbling and transformative, shifting my focus from what I perceived as lacking to the abundance before me. The grace of God often shows itself not only in what He gives but also in what He spares us from. Recognizing this has deepened my faith and gratitude, reaffirming that blessings come in many forms—some visible, others hidden. In reevaluating the role of prayer and blessings, I’ve seen that these aspects of faith are not about asking for specific outcomes but about nurturing a relationship with God that sustains us through every trial. Prayer has shifted from a plea for immediate relief to a means of connecting with God, seeking His presence and guidance even when answers are unclear. Blessings are not just about receiving what we want but recognizing the strength and support we find in our faith community and God’s ongoing presence.
Wherever you are, sweet friend, remember that your prayers are part of a deeper dialogue with God. Whether you’re a mother battling infertility, a couple facing the devastating news of a cancer diagnosis, dealing with a loss in the family, or enduring a domestic violence situation, your journey is not just unique but deeply personal. Even when the answers aren’t what we hope for, there is profound strength in knowing that your faith and community are supporting you.
If you’re struggling, remember that reaching out for help is a courageous and essential step. Embrace your journey with the understanding that faith transforms how we approach suffering and blessing, offering empowerment and resilience through every trial. By maintaining this perspective, we can find more profound meaning and connection in our struggles, knowing that God’s presence and purpose guide us at every step. You are not alone in this; remember, support, and love are not just words—tangible resources available to help you through even the darkest moments.
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